i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize