Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize