You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
