Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
