I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
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