i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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