Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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