she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
