sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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