I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
