On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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