You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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