Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
