and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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