blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize