i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
