i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
