my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
