I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
