I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
There's even glitter on my cock...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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