Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
