I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize