i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
