I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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