I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
