Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize