There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
