i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
