I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
