yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
