I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
