I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
