It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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