I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
