just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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