onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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