cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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