I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize