Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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