I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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