My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
