I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Welp...herpes.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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