How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
