I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
