Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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