His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
