The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
handjob tips. give me some.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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