the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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