she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
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