What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
