I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
