Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
it hurts more in the daytime
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Come on in and take your pants off
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