birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
