Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Randomize
