just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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