I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
