she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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