He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
