There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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