Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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